asgardmeridiem | It's the calm before the storm [Closed]

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It's the calm before the storm [Closed]

Who: Kaworu Nagisa and Shinji Ikari
What: Their first meeting since Shinji arrived
When: During the afternoon
Where: Theater
Rating: B for bittersweet, C for cute, H for heartbreak and S for sadness

[ Since he came back from Svartalfaheim (aka Dwarf-land), Kaworu still hasn't visited the Theater. He no longer works there, but it's still a place he is very fond of since he can listen to music and play.

It’s quite calming, he thinks, and it takes his mind off his worries regarding the people who left to save the God. However, Kaworu believes it’ll be alright. Because he must believe in them. Of course he can’t help but to worry, but he will wait for their return and meanwhile he will play.

After renting a room with a piano, Kaworu leaves the door open (he always does, just in case anyone wishes to come and play with him) and starts playing. A soft sort of tune, that can soon be recognized at Beethoven’s 9th Symphony "Ode to Joy". ]

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[ A pause, he's still honestly thinking he shouldn't be allowing this, before Shinji slowly lets his fingers tangle with Kaworu's and thinks about the question.

Not a lot of people, no. He was fine with the first few days of being low-key and unnoticed by most. Kaworu probably knows of Shinji's tendency to avoid.

But? He nods. ]

Someone that seemed to know me but I don't know them. [And Shinji was probably going to run into more encounters like that, to his frustration. ]

[ Kaworu nods once again and he moves, silently telling Shinji to follow. He reaches for the piano, sitting at the bench in front of it and giving the other boy enough room - his fingers, though, never untangled from Shinji's. ]

You may not remember it, but you have been here before. I'm sorry, I can't tell you for how long exactly- [ it was a question Shinji never answered. ] - but it was at least five months.

[ And of course he complies with the silent request of following Kaworu and sitting next to him.

Aha. Shinji's feet didn't exactly touch the ground like Kaworu's easily did when the two of them sat. But he paid no mind to it, and just lifted his heels.

He was more interested in what he just heard, after all. How was he not able to remember being here? With Kaworu? Did he have friends here? This was only frustrating him more. Was there any other way to deny it?]

But. That's not possible... I'd remember you here if I was here! [No. No you wouldn't, Shinji. But it's ok. Whether he said it in a good way or otherwise, he was leaving that open eneded.]

[ Kaworu only smiles at that, and opts not to insist on making the boy see; he prefers to do this as gentle as possible. Shinji would eventually notice some people do know him (Euri, Jade, Allen, Norman, they were still here, after all).

Instead, he moves just a little so he can lower the seat enough so Shinji's feet would touch the floor ]

I'm sorry you don't remember. There are some people who will come talk to you because they have you met you, that time. It probably will be quite frustrating, for you.

[ Rather than look at their hands or at the older boy, Shinji looked down at their feet when the chair was adjusted. 'Did he just-...?' Kaworu, you didn't have to...

The fact that some meetings are going to be because, to some extent, of things he did or said before that he doesn't recall leaves a bad taste in Shinji's mouth.

Don't get him wrong. No one is to blame about that. No one. (No one but the Gods, maybe?) It's just... ]

I didn't know it was possible to be yourself and not be yourself, at the same time.

[ of course he had to. It's Kaworu. Everything Kaworu does is about Shinji. ]

Does it feel bad, Shinji-kun? Not knowing what you said to others, not knowing others, but them knowing you?

[ even if Shinji always keeps a distance, Kaworu is sure people know at least part of him, enough for him to have left an impression. ]

[ Bad? It feels awful (and perhaps awkward), Kaworu.

The brunet sighs. His free hand lifted up and idly caressed at the keys on the piano, just feeling the smoothness of the ivory; not intending to play anything, really. ]

I feel like I am disappointing people because of that. I'll probably hurt someone because of not remembering.

Were you... disappointed?

Shinji-kun, it's not your fault that you forgot. You aren't disappointing anyone, and specially not me.

[ though kaworu was so incredibly sad when Shinji left, he was also glad. Because this world isn't Shinji's happiness. Kaworu knows that.

His hand - the one still holding Shinji's - squeezes it softly. ]

You may not remember them now, but you have the chance to meet them. And know about them. And form bonds with them - not the same bonds they once had with you because circumstances are different.

But bonds that will form you, nonetheless.

[ He almost forgot they were holding hands and that he was almost zoning out when he felt the squeeze. It wasn't unwelcome, it just helped him get out of his head.

A chance to meet them and get to know them? Depending on how Shinji behaved, it might be different? That kind of worries the boy. But Kaworu assured him that it will form him, regardless. It will be fine...?

It seems that it would be up to Shinji to decide on how he wants from it when it happens.

...Does Shinji dare ask what happened with their bond, though? He decides against asking that, for now.

But he asks this, instead.]

Did your bonds here form you, Kaworu-kun? [ Is that why you say it with certainty? ' Is that why you weren't suffering after your death? ' ]

[ Kaworu smiles gently. Honestly, he doesn't mind answering Shinji's question, but this isn't about Kaworu, he doesn't think so at least.

This is about Shinji because he is the one that matters, right now. And always. Kaworu finds little importance in himself. ]

Bonds form everyone. You are formed by your bonds and without them, you can't see yourself, you won't be able to know yourself. It's through those bonds that you come to define yourself, your shape.

[ Shinji probably heard this before, if he came from the time he rejected instrumentality. But Kaworu is more than glad to repeat and remind him. ]

You have many already forming you. And here, you will be able to form more and know yourself better.

I understand it may not be the place you wish to be. I understand the desire to return. I understand that perhaps it even seems hard to believe you can be happy here, but I'm sure if you try, you will be able to, Shinji-kun.

[ Shinji makes a face when Kaworu didn't answer his question. ~~he hopes this won't be a thing that will happen often.~~ But then. His expression softened at those words.

'Will you be part of it, too? Will you be there when I try?'

He wants to ask this. He really does. But to be sitting here with Kaworu, he feels like he already has asked for too much and doing all the things he shouldn't be doing, right now. So he does not say anything. Again.

His hand that is gripping Kaworu's was beginning to shake, and it would be more apparent when he squeezes that pale hand. Shinji looked nowhere else but down. Even after that, you were too good to him, Kaworu.

That settled it. ]

I... I really don't deserve to be able to see you again, like this.

[ ~~it's always a thing you know that shinji~~

The angel squeezes Shinji's hand back, fingers brushing against the skin gently ]

Shinji-kun, you are not at fault. You never were. [ so "deserving" isn't even in question here. ] You did nothing wrong.

[ Kaworu knows, though, the guilt that plagues the other's heart. He wishes he could erase it, he wishes he could show Shinji it's alright. He has nothing to feel guilty about. Because what he did was Kaworu's request and it was because he wanted to live and he wanted others to live as well. Because it's alright to be here. ]

I am happy to see you. I missed you, Shinji-kun. [ he has said that before. And if he is repeating himself, it's because Kaworu really means it ]

[ ~~God dammit, Kaworu-kun. Soooon. Soon, we'll talk.~~

A moment of silence. Shinji then gently took Kaworu's hand and nuzzles it to his cheek. The warmth reminding him, again, that Kaworu Nagisa really was here, if the hand-holding was not enough proof and reassurance.]

I missed you so much, Kaworu-kun. [Even if he wasn't going to say most things and was never going to forgive himself, he did allow that much to be said to the angel. Despite how short it was, and despite how unsure he is on trusting Kaworu again now that they're both in Asgard, time spent with Kaworu did mean something to Shinji. ]

You won't... ask for something like that again, will you? ~~[we're guessing Kaworu won't be keeping that promise, sadly?]~~

[ Kaworu's hand caresses Shinji's cheek sweetly, thumb rubbing the skin, as the angel smiled at the other. To be able to touch Shinji again-

aha.

He really is happy.

And just talking to him would have been enough so this makes the angel incredibly happy. Shinji's words too, not just his warmth. ]

I won't. [ The angel knows how much suffering he brought Shinji when he asked the other to kill him. So no, he won't ask him again. Not here. Kaworu won't ask Shinji to do it, but he can't promise he won't die again. ]

[ Maybe it was a tad demanding to ask that to Kaworu. It wasn't like Shinji understand the angel's intentions ~~(Which were actually so gosh darn simple?; make people who mattered, to Kaworu, happy?)~~, and he probably still wasn't going to understand them now; let alone trust again.

But. He was worried, just the same. And he'll just need to take Kaworu's word on it. ]

...I'm sorry.

I am only asking because your life matters, too, Kaworu. [more than Shinji's, probably. In Shinji's logic, at least.

He only asks because he wants more time to know more about you than with what time he had before.(which isn't a whole lot, unfortunately.) What you like, what you do on your free time, what would Shinji should cook for you... Simple things. ]

[ kaworu only answers to those words with a smile. He doesn't really think he matters, but he knows people give him importance for the bonds they have created with him.

To call him important, Kaworu may accept it to some extend. After all, the bonds one creates make one, are part of them - and every part is important, thus Kaworu ends up being important to them. It's a contradiction, which he actually accepts. But it's only because of their feelings towards Kaworu, not really because the angel finds any self-importance within himself.

So, his life doesn't matter. What matters are Shinji's feelings towards Kaworu's life.

At least the angel thinks so. It's difficult to show an Angel that their nature isn't the way it is. It's like telling a human defining things will only give them borders and make it difficult for them. Humans live for these borders which they find in themselves and in others; individuality.

Kaworu's hand drops from Shinji's cheek to rest at his shoulder and gently it traces the other's arm to his hand. ]

Shinji-kun, what's your God House?

[ Another unsure expression from Shinji. But when he feels that hand on his shoulder and going along his arm, he'll take that as Kaworu listening to him.

Instead, he thought about the question. But it was not because he forgot the patron god's name or anything like that. It was because.... Was it really a good idea to tell Kaworu; For Kaworu to know where he is, at the moment?

...Oh, well. ]

Ah. Mine is Heimdall.

[ So if Kaworu needed a narrower option of what Shinji's power is, that's one way to answer that, too.

Though Shinji questioned why this house, he wasn't really going to say anything. It's not like it mattered to him where the gods put him. It didn't matter what power the gods give him; he wasn't going to want to use it often, anyway. (For now.) He warily asks Kaworu, in return,]

What about you?

[ Don't worry, Shinji. Kaworu won't look for you unless you ask him to come.

The angel's hand finally moves to rest at the piano keys, though he doesn't press them]

I'm in Sigyn. My power is healing. [ and he is at the last level, too ]

[ Healing? That... does suit Kaworu when Shinji thought about it.

Sounded more useful than his own, which was energy lending. In his own logic, at least. He'll find potential in his own power, someday, even if it takes time.

But thinking of all the talks of a war, and thinking about that search for a soul that people have left for, that Shinji wanted no part of, had him wondering... ]

Have you had to use your power so often? [ This place was that dangerous, wasn't it? ]

[ Kaworu shakes his head ] Only recently I have decided to start using it.

[ before, Kaworu had no part in the war. "Lilim matters", he called them, matters that Angels don't really care about and which Lilim had to solve by themselves since it's relating only to them. Kaworu is neutral, he doesn't judge and doesn't act.

Well. Didn't.

After he was sent back to his world and was part of Instrumentality, he came to understand he doesn't need to be passive and avoid matters that don't much to angels. He can help if he wishes to, he has that freedom. And in the end, helping the people he loves is his objective, isn't it? ]

Before, I only used it for the people I am close to.

[ hah. That just might be Shinji, for now. Using his power on people he remotely cared about. So it wasn't going to be likely for a while, using his own powers. However way this energy lending-thing worked, anyway.

That answer settled it. It was up to Shinji to decide on what he does with his power and what he does when battles are to come; it seemed like he had arrived when there was already one afoot. Were these Gods in need of a good joke to laugh at when they brought someone like himself here?

Shinji is the one that is human here and he's already looking for a way to either avoid it or be as passive as possible. (The gods were taking and returning people who weren't relevant to this place, in the first place, anyway, right?) The irony is strong here.

But you had him curious; so he asks.]

What made you change your mind?

[ there is a small pause and Kaworu finally presses one of the piano keys, the sound echoing through the room. ]

After- [ after Instrumentality. But he doesn't say it ] - a while, I have come to realize that, while I cannot change my fate, I can decide how to live up until the point of meeting it.

[ this is not something he learned in Asgard. ]

Shinji-kun, my fate was to meet you, at that time. However, there are so many paths I could have taken in order to reach it. So many possibilities. There are infinite possibilities, infinite paths based upon my actions, that will all culminate with the fate I'm meant to follow.

I have the freedom to choose what path I wish to follow. I don't know if there is a right path and but I will keep going that path. The path I choose.

[ Kaworu presses the piano key again, and this time, it sounds like a soft melody ]

I came to understand that it's alright for me to follow it. Perhaps then, I can make you happier. [ Shinji, and everyone else he loves. ] That's why I will do whatever I can. [ including using his powers ]

[ Beginning to get used to the quiet in the room, Shinji jolted the slightest, somewhat startled, when he heard a key being played and it sounded unusually loud in this room but relaxed again.

He looked like he wanted to say something but decided against it. Kaworu's answer seemed like the definition of resolution. And Shinji, even if he wasn't quite sure he understood, wasn't going to stand in the way. ~~(He wondered if he should stay out of the way while they were here, as much as he was... happy to see him again.)~~

What would Shinji know. He had always been a boy who just simply lived day to day, content with a path with any familiarity and not wanting to take a risk of taking a different path then the one he is used to.

Instead, he stared at the key that was being played again. ]

Try not to worry.. .[Try to not worry me'] a lot of people when you keep going? Along that path. No one wants to lose you. [...again.]

[ The angel smiles and moves a little closer to Shinji, so their shoulders could touch. ]

I'm always thinking of you, Shinji-kun.

[ whatever path he takes, Shinji takes precedence. Because Kaworu loves him so dearly and he lives for him, after all. Each cycle that is to come, Kaworu will always try to find the path that will bring Shinji happiness. ]

Whatever path I may take, I will try to make you happy.

[ And that worries him, Kaworu. So much. The expression he is making is apparent enough.

It went from 'I really don't deserve to see you again' to 'I really don't deserve you.'

It was so easy for Shinji to just lean his head on the other boy's shoulder; he was just right there and their distance is closed. But he doesn't.

He doesn't want either of them to move, either; like he welcomed that closed distance.]

Try to think a bit about yourself, too...

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It's the calm before the storm [Closed]

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