asgardmeridiem | It's the calm before the storm [Closed]

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It's the calm before the storm [Closed]

Who: Kaworu Nagisa and Shinji Ikari
What: Their first meeting since Shinji arrived
When: During the afternoon
Where: Theater
Rating: B for bittersweet, C for cute, H for heartbreak and S for sadness

[ Since he came back from Svartalfaheim (aka Dwarf-land), Kaworu still hasn't visited the Theater. He no longer works there, but it's still a place he is very fond of since he can listen to music and play.

It’s quite calming, he thinks, and it takes his mind off his worries regarding the people who left to save the God. However, Kaworu believes it’ll be alright. Because he must believe in them. Of course he can’t help but to worry, but he will wait for their return and meanwhile he will play.

After renting a room with a piano, Kaworu leaves the door open (he always does, just in case anyone wishes to come and play with him) and starts playing. A soft sort of tune, that can soon be recognized at Beethoven’s 9th Symphony "Ode to Joy". ]

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[ Well, this was one place Shinji could get used to. Another option for Shinji to frequent, if not the library in Odin. The library was nice and noise would not be a problem, but books weren't a strong interest of his, as nice as they were. (That was probably more of Ayanami's thing, after all.)

But this theater... The music to be played here was a noise would be welcoming to Shinji.

So when he hears a familiar tune, he could not help but curiously follow after where it's being played. This song would serve to be quite a memory to Shinji.

What the boy recalled was the day when a song (and a person) reached out, like warm hands, to a soul who just ready to break from all its pressures. A sunset. And the sea.

And here the song was, again, reaching to that same soul and person, once more. Not in the form of humming, but in the form of a piano.

The first time, the sing came to him. This time, he was following it. The first time was intentional, this time was not so intentional. (Not that the two are aware of that, though...)]

[So when he finally get to the room, he stands right at the door.

What he finds has left him frozen in place. What he finds makes him feel his heart jump to his throat.

Not because he feels like he saw a ghost, no. Allen got it through Shinji's ~~stubborn~~ head that Kaworu was here, alive, after all. He just... wasn't sure if he was ready to meet this particular person.

Yet.

Or ever.

But being ready or not was no longer relevant when he right there, seeming like the song was just about ready to end... And he was so frozen he felt unable to run away.]

[ Kaworu’s fingers are too pale to contrast with the piano, but the angel seems to be part of the instrument’s keys, like he is melting with them. At least the sound flows so naturally, while he keeps his eyes closed to enjoy the tune.

He doesn’t expect anyone to actually drop by, but when he hears the steps coming closer, he smiles gently. For now, he finishes his piece, since it was almost at the end either way. Perhaps he can offer the visitor another different sound.

The red eyes open and he turns to look at the door. ]

[ it catches him on surprise. Of course it does.

Red eyes widen as he sees Ikari Shinji standing by the door, looking at him as if he saw a ghost (aha. So that’s what the expression means) and he feels like his heart is about to explode inside his chest – even if such thing it’s impossible to happen.

When Shinji left, Kaworu felt relief and happiness but much guilt for being so sad that Shinji left. Because how unfair it was to miss someone and want them near, when they weren’t happy here in first place and would be happier in their world. And now, he was looking at that person, that person he was so glad that was returned, yet so sad because he wouldn’t see him again.

He can’t really describe what he is feeling right now. Surprise, a bit of distress because “why are you back? You shouldn’t be here”, so much happiness because he missed Shinji so much, and yet there it is – guilt. He feels guilty for feeling it, too. ]

Shinji-kun… [ Kaworu takes his hands away from the piano and moves to stand up.

Can he approach? ]

[ That voice saying his name, again. Shinji almost forgot how to breathe when he heard it.

How long had it been since he heard that?

Shinji wanted to bolt so badly, but he felt so unable to, at the same time. He felt like if he tried, he would fall to his knees.

The avoiding of Kaworu Nagisa that went on for a day or two had left Shinji with a pang of guilt that was hurting him just as much as the guilt he felt when he realized he would be the reason why Kaworu has no other place but here. (to his own knowledge, at least.)

If there was anyone that he hated more than these gods and more than his father, he hated himself.

His eyes began to sting, so he blinked quickly to attempt to blink away any moisture he felt when he saw that face looking in his direction. That face that he thought he was never going to see again. That face that he did not deserve to see again.

So he lowers his gaze, looking at the ground. He made no movement except a slight step further into the room.]

...

The song is good. [~~Does that line sound familiar?~~ Shinji somewhat flinches when he feels his voice sound unusually loud in this room where it seemed there was only the two of them.]

... Song is one of Lilim's greatest achievements. [ Is it alright to approach? To come closer? Before, Shinji was always so angry at Kaworu, he was never too sure about what to do, other than keep his distance.

The question if Shinji remembered being here crossed the half-angel's mind, but Kaworu realizes it doesn't matter. If he forgets, if he doesn't remember Kaworu, if he is angry at him, if he doesn't trust him - it doesn't matter, to Kaworu.

He loves him nonetheless.

This person he has missed for so long now.

How he loves him and how he missed him so much. ]

Welcome back, Shinji-kun. [ Kaworu smiles, very gently. Like he is glad, but also feels guilty for it. To be glad for Shinji being here sounds so selfish to him. Honestly, he would rather if the boy stood in his world and wasn't forced to face this again. but he can't help it. His heart can't help but to feel so glad to see him again. ]

I missed you.

[ His own boldness faded away long after following the music to here. He wasn't sure he was bold enough to close their distance anymore after he took another step forward. So he hopes Kaworu comes closer. He has no idea what he said and did before, but he does assume that he deserves this distance for what he did. 'It's fine.. I'd do this to me, too.'

This was just about the same distance they were when they met by the shore, wasn't it? Except Kaworu wasn't so high on ~~Shinji's pedestal~~ a statue, this time. He seemed to be on a slightly more equal grounding with Shinji, this time.

'Welcome back'

Shinji honestly did not want to believe the possibility of being here before when Allen explained to him the whole concept of people going and coming back... He clung to the possibility it was just because Kaworu told people about him. That's why people knew his name. Right?

But when Kaworu said that, it was getting harder to stay in denial. So he hesitantly looked up and asks carefully...]

Welcome back....?

[ Though the distance wasn't because of something Shinji did, but something Kaworu did. He hurt this person so badly, the person he loves with all of his being.He betrayed him.

And because of that, because he scared Shinji so much, that's why he could no longer ask for the other's trust or even to allow him closer.

But he doesn't remember.

It's alright.

Kaworu waits just a couple of more seconds, before he steps forward, closer to Shinji, and never dropping that gentle smile on his lips. He doesn't reach out for him, though he remembers what it was like to touch Shinji's hand and how gentle that feeling was. ]

When did you arrive? [ and rather, he wants to tell him- ]

I'm sorry, I didn't realize. [ Shinji is alone, right now. he doesn't know anyone, does he? Kaworu is sorry for that. ]

[ A talk with that Henry fellow from the network made Shinji slowly think that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't solely and entirely responsible for what happened. But he didn't feel any less awful and he didn't hate himself less for it. So, it's all right; He wasn't reaching for Kaworu, either. Not from anger, but from still feeling like he didn't deserve to. He wanted to, though... ]

A few days ago. [ He didn't bother to ask how long Kaworu was here. That scone-toting exorcist told him, just the other day. It was going to be almost a year, for the angel, it seems.

And no. No, Shinji doesn't know anyone and he has been by himself. But people seem to know him. And it makes him all the more frustrated with this place. Not at Kaworu, or anyone. Just this whole place.

' I'm sorry '

An apology. Shinji felt like something jabbed him in his heart when he heard that. His eyes teared up but nothing fell. Not yet, at least.]

What are you apologizing for?! I-I'm the one who should... [ he trailed off and stopped, afraid his voice would crack if he talked more. ]

You have been alone. And it must be difficult, right now, to accept everything.

[ and Shinji, specially Shinji, has such a hard time accepting things he doesn't understand.

But that's not only why he is apologizing. it's also because - ]

I made you suffer. [ Shinji's expression.

He is in pain, isn't he? hurting. In despair. Confused and frustrated, probably. Kaworu doesn't make him suffer anymore. And he is so sorry for all the suffering he has caused Shinji to feel with his actions. ]

I've been alone before. I've been alone back... [ Does he really call Neo Tokyo "home"? ...Not quite home, but at least familiar things were there. Where he was able to just simply live day by day. Where his existence had some worth, piloting an Eva. Piloting an Eva that got him praise or scolding...] ... back there. So it's no different, being alone here.

It doesn't matter. Being there or here.

[ ....Made him suffer?

But those words mattered. And that is why Shinji is taking shaky breaths in and out to try not to cry.

' Don't. Don't cry. Don't even... '

He growls through gritted teeth.]

Stop it. Stop it! Aren't you the one who is suffering from what I did?! You have no other place but here...

I'm not suffering.

[ kaworu so close to Shinji. All he has to do is to reach for him, with his hand. Which he does, even if he is bond to be slapped away - he wants to reach for Shinji's cheek, touch it gently, to show him he isn't alone. ]

Whatever you did, it was because I asked you to. Because I wanted you to live.

Shinji-kun, you fulfilled my wish. And I'm sorry it has made you suffer so much. But I'm not sorry for the result. [ he doesn't regret it. To die for Shinji or for Lilin, Kaworu will never regret that ]

Edited 2013-06-15 18:49 (UTC)

[ Yes, one of them had to die; One species was to be wiped out. Yes, he was asked to kill when Kaworu chose death. Kaworu was -no...- is an angel, and he was the pilot with a duty. But Shinji was never going to forgive himself. Not when it was someone who gave Shinji kindness for the first time in his life.

Shinji is probably never going to understand why Kaworu doesn't regret the results. So of course Shinji bristled at those words. There was an agitated growl from Shinji and his own hand shot up to grab that wrist of the hand that was on his cheek. So, no. No slapping the hand away, but the brunet has quite a grip on the wrist that might or might not be hurting.

' I'm not suffering. '

But as quick as this surge of anger came, it was beginning to get mixed with a sense of melancholy, his breathing hitched and his grip finally loosened. ]

What made you decide? [ to decide to throw away your own species for another. This human living over you.] No one is worth that!

[ when Kaworu's hands touch Shinji's cheek it's as if he felt Shinji's warmth becoming one his fingers and his hand, and suddenly the world was so warm and everything around them was set so perfectly just for this moment.

Kaworu doesn't mind the strong grip and instead his fingers gently caress Shinji's cheekbone. ]

You are. You are worth everything, Shinji-kun.

I'm very happy. I'm happy that I have met you, and I'm happy that I can see you again. I'm happy that I can hear you. I'm happy that I can finally touch you. [ it has been so long ]

Loving you is worth everything.

I love you, Shinji. [ that's what made him decide ]

[ Those words.

Those words he thought he shouldn't and didn't deserve to hear ever again. Those three words he was ready to accept that he wasn't going to hear again as he was ready to put up walls and never expose his heart to anyone, again. And here was his core - his heart, in his case -, feeling exposed, once more. ]

Kaworu-kun... [how long has it been since you heard this voice say your name, Kaworu?]

[ ' I loved him, too.'

Though Kaworu was here and not going anywhere (for now, it seems...), Shinji still wasn't able to find it in himself to say those words that he spoke through Misato. ~~Not yet, at least.~~

Though he realized his own self-worth ("Maybe I can live here!"/"Maybe I can like myself."), someone going this far for Shinji was still frightening. Love is a frightening thing, sometimes...
And then there were tears.

Tears stream down his face and he chokes on a sob. He moved away from Kaworu's hand, not because it was unwelcome but because he tried to rub at his eyes.

He's missed you, too, Kaworu. ]

Edited (HTML... I TOTALLY KNOW HOW TO. ) 2013-06-15 22:35 (UTC)

[ Kaworu's heart squeezes when he sees Shinji's tears. Those tears he wishes to erase, to dry and he wishes Shinji could only feel happiness so they would not fall again.

His hands, though, very gently stop Shinji's hand, and they reach for his cheek again, softly drying the tears with his fingers. ]

If you rub, your eyes will get red.

[ He jumped the slightest at the hands on his face. Those hands. This touch. It served as a reminder that Kaworu was really here. So. He's sorry, Kaworu, but that only makes more tears fall, his sobs shook him harder.

Almost as if Kaworu was trying to convey to him that... He is not alone.

No. Shinji shouldn't be here, let alone willingly wanted to be here. No, he's not sure if Kaworu should be here. And being here, where people knew him but he did not know them, made him feel like he was Shinji Ikari but still not Shinji Ikari, at the same time.

He cannot redo.

but.

He can advance. (if he made the effort, while he was here.)]

I'm sorry-... [ whether it was for avoiding Kaworu or for right now, is left unsaid. ]

You don't ever need to apologize to me, Shinji. [ it's a soft voice matching a soft smile. Kaworu's fingers moved through Shinji's cheek and very gently they rest at his jawline, caressing the skin.

It really has been so long, since he last touched Shinji. Since he was able to talk to him like this (during instrumentality it wasn't the same, since he was with Ayanami Rei and the focus was to help Shinji decide what he wanted from the world). ]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you suffer again. [ to make him cry. ]

Shinji- [ Kaworu's hands drop, but only so he can wrap his arms around him and bring the boy into a hug, if allowed. His face searching to bury against the soft brown hair and arms trying to find Shinji's warmth to melt with him ]

[ What do you mean he doesn't need to apologize? Shinji would shake his head but those hands were still caressing his face. It feel backwards to Shinji. Tell him all you want, he will still apologize. It's just in Shinji's nature. And it feels right to, in this moment. Every apology Kaworu was making was like a knife twisting in Shinji's gut. It was too much. It was probably best to stop talking, now.

Shinji gasps, eyes wide from being startled, when he feels arms around him. He was never used to physical contact, let alone getting it from someone who he was ready to accept he wasn't going to see again.

The hands on his cheeks was enough for him, as far as touching goes. So he tenses the slightest when he feels the nuzzling if his hair. His tears beginning to stop from his being surprised. ]

[ But that didn't mean this was unwelcome, by any means. If anything, Shinji lets a tear-stained cheek nuzzle Kaworu's chest.

He sighs; his tenseness deflating along with that sigh. When they held hands from before, it was warm. This was... warmer. It feels... Odd. but not unwelcoming.

He wasn't sure if he should be allowing this, but after being by himself and being so frustrated and confused, this was sort of comforting.

Was it really going to be all right? He wasn't sure.]

Kaworu-kun. What happens now...?

[ To be in a world of strangers and a world without angels. A world without Evas. A world where he's not so sure of what his purpose is. At least he had a purpose when he piloted the Eva.

...What should he do, now? ]

[ When Kaworu finally felt Shinji relaxing a little, and the sobs finally fading, the angel gently drops his hands, but doesn't step away not parts from the other. His arms release Shinji, but his hands hold Shinji's. ]

Well. You are here. And you live. [and Kaworu will try to make you happy, finally. To give you the happiness you deserve, Shinji. ]

There is so much you can see and so much you can do, Shinji-kun. [ there is so much kaworu wants to share with him, too. Like cakes, cider, stargazing and the park, and tea and coffee and the piano song Kaworu was able to make, his own creation. He wants Shinji to see Allen's tricks and he wants him to meet Allen, and taste Kaworu's food - even if it's vegetarian. Kaworu wants to talk to him about the worlds he has learned about, and he wants to show Shinji the sunset and the sunrise.

Small things, that will make him happy, if he allows it. ]

[ And Shinji could not help but squeeze at those hands holding his, almost as if he was afraid of the two of entirely parting and he wouldn't see Kaworu, again; even though he was reminded that the Gods are the ones who got to determine, here.

Aha.

But. You are here and you have been living, too, Kaworu. Is... this why you are saying this to him, to some extent? Shinji is blissfully unaware of what is in store for him, for sure. With time, just maybe he will allow it. ]

...

Is that what you've been doing, all this time? [ Living and seeing things for yourself, he means. ~~Maaaaaybe his not-so-subtle way of asking "How's not being dead?".~~]

[ kaworu smiles, gives a small nod and his fingers silently ask to tangle around Shinji's. Holding hands.

And maybe they can sit down, and talk for a while. Shinji probably has many questions and though Kaworu is often so difficult to give a straight question that won't confuse another, it doesn't matter. He just wants to to be near Shinji. ]

Shinji-kun, have you met and talked to anyone so far?

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