You weren't. It was the worst thing you knew.

[she shifts, then, turning to the side and folding her legs in front of her so that she's no longer sitting behind the barrier of her shin. even though she's leaning closer, she still doesn't touch him except where her knees brush his thigh]

The choice Derek offered you wasn't much of a choice. Stay in a horrible situation, or get stronger. How could you have possibly understood what he meant, saying it wouldn't be easy?