asgardmeridiem | Easier Not To Say [open]

Entry tags:

Easier Not To Say [open]

Who: Jamie and anyone
What: Keeping busy to avoid thinking - and talking - about things that have happened.
When: Day 548
Where: Anywhere in the city, except the Who houses
Rating: PG-13 to be on the safe side
Warnings: Talk of death, possibly other things, will update if needed.

Waking up in the castle after the battle to take down Thiazi wasn't really a surprise. He knew it was coming, thanks to what had happened to him during the fighting, but it wasn't something that he particularly wanted to think about. Or talk about, for that matter, especially with the people who he was closest to normally. Like Clara. He'd seen how the deaths here had affected her, her own deaths included, and finding out about what had happened to him wasn't something he wanted to burden her with, not with how broken her spirit had already become. And he didn't want to tell the Doctor, either. He knew that the Doctor - Eleven especially - would feel like it was his fault he didn't protect Jamie. Never mind the fact that Jamie hadn't seen the Doctor at all after the runes were placed, and even if he'd been there, there'd been nothing he could've done about the wound from the black sword that he'd taken. It was better he didn't know about it at all.

It was harder than he thought to be around them, though. Pretending that everything was alright when...it wasn't. Not really. He was so very tired of the war, and the fighting, and feeling like there was nothing he could do. Nothing he said to Clara made a difference, nothing he tried to do helped, and as the days passed he found himself spending more and more time away from home even when not doing his training with the military, sleeping in the stables or Thor's welcome hall, or wherever he could find where he could be by himself. Anything to avoid going back to the house to sleep, avoid spending his nights staring up at the ceiling and his days trying to act like everything was normal. Easier, really, to go to the areas of the city he didn't normally go to and try to repair any damage there, to lose himself in the work and not think about anything at all, really. He didn't think that anyone would notice, much. He'd already been busy with his military duties before, and it wasn't as though he was able to spend a lot of time doing other things. Even at the gathering Freyr had put together hadn't been one he'd stayed at long - although, admittedly, that was because he hadn't felt much like celebrating and left early as a result. But more than likely everyone else was busy, too. Maybe they wouldn't even realize that he wasn't around as much now, and he wouldn't have to worry anyone.

It was better this way...or so he kept telling himself.

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"Jamie?"

She catches him when he's working on some repairs to the city, her arms folded across her stomach and the hood of her coat up. Jade grew up on a tropical island, and while she's been in Asgard for a while, she still hasn't quite acclimated to the cold. The ice hasn't helped at all, either.

When part of the city had marched to Thrymheim, she had opted to stay behind in Asgard - to defend the city, she'd claimed, but really, with Draco gone as quick as he'd returned, her heart just hadn't been in it. It's been since the party in Utgard that she's actually seen him, and she just hopes that there isn't another fight incoming now that neither of them are half drunk on magic drinks.

"Do you need some gloves? It's pretty cold out here."

That's one thing with Jamie. Even when he gets mad or annoyed, unless it's someone that he dislikes, he never tends to stay irritated with someone for very long. Considering how long it's been since the disagreement, Jade doesn't have to worry there at all. There's nothing even remotely angry about his expression when he looks up at her, and he even goes so far as to try and manage a small smile when he sees who it is. It's genuine enough, but fairly subdued, all things considered.

"Aye, well, I am a Highlander, ye know. We're used to the cold." That's supposed to be a quip, but much like the smile, falls a bit short - and after a moment he adds, "But...if ye happen to have some on ye, I'd not mind using them for a bit. I'll admit my fingers are feeling a wee bit stiff. Only if you've not got to go out of your way to get them, though. Ye look a bit cold yourself."

"Oh, you're right, I am totally freezing." It's not sarcasm or a joke in response: she really is cold, and she isn't embarrassed to admit that outright. Regardless, she starts tugging her own gloves off - thick ones, oversized for the sake of warmth, so she hopes they'll fit him alright - before tossing them his way. She doesn't wait for acknowledgment or an agreement before she does, since she sort of figures that he'll argue.

"But I also have pockets for my hands, and they are just as toasty as the gloves." And as if to punctuate her point, her still-warm hands slide right into the quilted pockets of her coat.

She's got that part just about right. Even as it registers that she's pulling off her own gloves for his sake, he's already starting to open his mouth to protest that she shouldn't be going and doing that when she needs them for herself. But she's quick, and before he can get more than a 'Hey' out, there's gloves being tossed in his direction. His usual instinct for that sort of thing kicks in before he can stop himself, and he automatically raises his hands to catch them before they fall to the ground. He's about to hand them back when she goes and stuff her hands into her pockets, and for a second his mouth pulls off to one side in a way that's more resigned than anything else.

"Och, you're as bad as Clara used to-" He stops short, catching himself before the 'be' that would've been at the end of the statement, amending it to something that doesn't sound quite so much like it's belongs completely in the past. "Is sometimes."

Not recently, though, which is why it was almost 'used to be'. But it's not as though he's seen her recently to see if she would still be able to get him to do something without arguing about it, so maybe the other way's more accurate. He doesn't know, and he goes a little quiet as he puts on the gloves, not even trying to protest now. They mostly fit, although they're not quite long enough, leaving his wrists exposed. But his fingers are covered, and that really is a help, which shows on his face when he glances up again.

"Thanks, Jade. What're ye doing out here, anyway?"

So many had died this time, but Eight had noticed that it seemed to have hit Jamie hardest. Ever since they'd returned to Asgard after the battle, he'd seen Jamie...sort of. The young man seemed to disappear for long periods of time, and Eight knew from experience that he was avoiding everyone.

And, being the hypocrite that he was, Eight decides to go find him.

He finally found Jamie working and approached casually, hands stuffed in the pockets of his leather jacket. "So," he said quietly, "You've been keeping yourself busy."

Clara and Jamie weren't spending as much time together these days as they used to. Between their respective duties (which they were both probably too invested in now) and just general survival, Clara realized that the war had fractured their relationship a tiny bit. They were both stressed and she knew she was in the process of breaking, and that it was wearing on Jamie that he couldn't help mend her. She felt disposable, useless. And she supposed that Jamie probably felt the same way after her dying.

It was after several days of not even hearing from Jamie, however, that she began to worry. It wasn't like him to not at least check in over the bracelets, or leave her a note so she wouldn't worry. It wasn't difficult to pick up on the fact that something had happened. Perhaps he had adopted her trait of running from everyone and everything when things felt too difficult to deal with. So she sought him out after military training one day, knowing he wouldn't skip out on duty. She took in how tired he looked, and frowned in concern as she called out his name and approached him.

"I just wanted to make sure you were still alive," it was a joke, mostly, and she tried a dry chuckle to make it seem more like one than an actual pathetic worry.

Maybe it wasn't so much of a surprise that one of the Doctors had come to find him, in the end. Short of losing his bracelet or leaving the city completely, eventually someone determined enough would be able to track him down. And if there was anyone who was determined enough, it'd be the Doctor.

When he heard the familiar voice behind him, he paused for a moment, pursing his lips before turning his head so he could glance over his shoulder at the Doctor. His expression was neutral enough, but he knew he wouldn't be able to mask the dark circles under his eyes that were there, a legacy of lack of sleep. There was a certain weariness there as well, something that had come up once or twice after Culloden. The adventures he'd gone on after that had gone a long way towards helping him them. But there weren't any adventures here, right now, and all he really felt was that weariness.

"Aye, well, the places here won't exactly fix themselves. Figured I might as well take advantage of whatever time we've got before Surt decides what he's going to do now that Thiazi's out of the picture."

Clara had the right of it. There were still times where he thought of switching, of joining the engineers like the Doctor'd suggested, but it seemed that every time he thought about doing so that something happened, whether it be the hallucinations or the battle to take down Thiazi, and before he knew it he was caught up in whatever was going on and just trying to get through the next day - or even sometimes the next hour - and finding himself going through the drills he didn't really want to do all over again. It was probably by far the easiest place to find him nowadays, and he'd tried to make himself scarce as soon as he could after training, knowing that.

But today Clara's timing was perfect, and even though his heart felt a bit lighter upon seeing her, there was a bit of guilt there as well, because he had been staying away. And while part of it was out of frustration over not being able to help, it wasn't really a good excuse, and he knew it.

"Oh aye. Still breathing," he said, not quite able to meet her gaze. It was only for a second or two, maybe not even long enough for some people to notice. Some people weren't Clara, though, and he made himself look back, putting a slightly crooked smile on his face as he did so.

"Just been a wee bit busy, that's all. Figured it wasn't worth bothering ye over the bracelets about."

For the most part, Four's been doing his best to give Jamie his space. He knows that people have been dying far more than he'd really like lately - than perhaps anyone would like - and if a little space is what anyone should happen to need, it's perfectly understandable.

That said, he still has a tendency to wander across a good portion of the city; while he can give Jamie his space he can't exactly keep their paths from crossing forever. He comes across Jamie not far from the stables, and it seems oddly fitting, given that Jamie had been the one to first show him some of he oddities of Asgard there.

"Ah, hallo. You've been keeping well, I take it?"

"I see."

The Doctor raised his eyebrows, watching the young man with the expression of one who knew better. Jamie wasn't alright, at all. Not that he'd claimed to be, but Eight was fairly certain it was the impression he was trying to give.

He took another few, slow steps forward, tilting his head. "I know it's hypocritical of me to say, considering how I've done my own running in my time, but...talk to me, Jamie."

She did take notice of the fact that he wasn't quite able to meet her eye, and she felt off because she wasn't able to meet his either. They were both suffering, both unsure of how to fix things and make them better. "Oh, no, definitely not worth bothering me over the bracelets about," she softly agreed, forcing a smile to her face as she finally glanced up at him.

"Only thing is, you usually don't stay a wee bit busy unless there's a reason to." And war hasn't ever been reason enough before, so her mind instantly went to the fact that she had been miserable to be around after dying and coming back this last time. So she assumed she had finally pushed him away, and was doing her best to act like a big girl about it.

"And I know you had gone to help fight, same as everyone else." She didn't add onto that thought, but the look on her face was knowing enough. She knew something had happened, but she couldn't put her finger on just what had.

Out of all of the Doctors here, Four seems to be the most restless to Jamie, the most prone to wandering. And even though he personally's not actively trying to hunt any of the Doctors down, the city's only so big. It's not too much of a surprise to see Four out and about - especially not by the stables, where Jamie's thought to sneak in and take a few quiet minutes alone with the horses. All the question gets from him, though, is a small, not overly enthusiastic shrug.

"Aye, well. I've been keeping, anyway."

The level of that hasn't exactly been one that he'd consider as being 'well', though, not the past few weeks. It's not too hard to miss on Jamie's face, the signs of weariness there for anyone to see, at least until he turns away and looks towards the stables.

"Thought I'd stop in and check on the horses. What about ye? Just out for a wee bit of a walk?"

That got him to pause, his eyes flicking back to the Doctor and staying there for a moment before he turned back and resumed what he'd been doing, adding glue before pushing a piece of a broken door jamb back into place.

"About fixing up the place?"

That wasn't what the Doctor was trying to get him to talk about, and he knew it. After a moment he glanced up again, and sighed.

"Ye don't have to answer that. I know that's not what ye meant. But I'm not so sure what ye want me to actually say here, Doctor. Or where to start, even."

He swallowed a bit at that, because she was right about part of that - he didn't stay a wee bit busy unless there was a reason to. Most of the rest of the time he'd be content enough to do other things. Spending time with Clara, especially, and he should've known that she'd realize something was wrong there. The part about her pushing him away, on the other hand, wasn't true, and when he turned to look at her again, this time he was able to look at her straight on, with no flinching.

"Aye, I did. Then I got the runes in place like I was supposed to, then helped one of the lads on my team that'd gotten hit with the weapons they were using. Those weapons did things to ye that..."

He broke off, shaking his head for a moment. He didn't want to tell her about the way the wounds had started to fester right away, or that no method of healing would fix it once it had. Anyone who lived through it would have nasty-looking scars. He might not have had visible scars from that, but the memories were still there all the same.

"They weren't pretty, I'll put it that way. I- It's not something ye should have to think about, Clara. I should've left ye a note, though, and I'm sorry."

It's not hard indeed, and it's more than visible even in those few moments before Jamie turns. Enough so that Four would very nearly have had to have been willfully blind to not see it. But he has his own share of sorrows these days. His own share of things that he's not really spoken of to people, and so he lets what he sees on Jamie's face pass by without comment.

"Oh, something like that, yes."

Keeping himself busy and his thoughts away from the final days of the war that is to come, and if that means letting his feet wander where they will, he figures there's no particular harm in that.

"I could walk a ways with you, if you liked?"

She catches that, the used to, and she doesn't need him to fill in the blank for her to understand what almost slipped out. It makes her ache a little for him to hear that, because has the sneaking suspicion that she can guess what he's going through. It wasn't so long ago that she might have said something like that, too. She and Draco used to be happy here.

But calling him out on that is probably the worst possible thing that she could do, she thinks, and so Jade offers him a half smile, squeezing her fingers a little in her pockets.

"Just out for a walk. I go for a lot of walks these days. City's really not as big as I used to think it was, y'know?"

"Don't apologize." She was firm as she insisted that, and she gave him a stern look to go along with it. "I didn't leave a note. Sometimes you need to be away. I get that." Something hit her at that point, and it made her frown deeply and look down and away from him. "What does it mean for us, though? When we both run from each other to hide what's going on instead of just being honest?" She knew that she had difficulties with honesty in relationships, just due to the fact she constantly felt on the verge of panic.

"I wish I could've been there to help or save you, Jamie. But I can't even help you now. I can barely help myself." Which was the sad state of affairs, as much as it pained her to admit out loud. At least she wasn't blaming the Gods this time around. She had gained a little bit of strength since her own death. Not much, but enough to keep a level head.

For a moment, he considered the idea of saying no and just going on his way alone. If the Doctor had said something... but he hadn't, not even a mention of him looking tired. He didn't believe that the Doctor hadn't noticed that part of things, though. Chances were he had, likely the moment he'd gotten close enough to see that Jamie was there. Still, he'd chosen not to say anything and maybe that meant, in the end, there weren't going to be questions Jamie wasn't sure he wanted to answer.

If that was the case then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. And, when it came down to it, there was a small part of him that found that he missed having the Doctor nearby. He'd been avoiding the other ones long enough that he really hadn't spent much time with them at all. Maybe he should change that. So while his lips pursed for a moment as something ever so slightly uncertain crossed his face, he wound up nodding a few seconds later.

"Aye, suppose we could do that for a bit, if you've not got anywhere else you'd rather go walking. Wouldn't want to keep ye from it if ye did."

His mouth opened for a second, as if one of his protests was about to come off his lips. But that didn't happen. Instead, his lips pressed together a tiny amount before tugging off to one side. Maybe not so unusual, but there was something about that seemed tired, more weary than usual. It was a match for the look in his eyes as some of the facade he'd tried to present faded away.

"Look, don't you think I know that? Don't ye think I've seen the way this place is affecting ye? I want to help ye. I've been trying to help ye, but I can't, and after I- after the battle I couldn't do that to ye, not on top of everything else.

He broke off, taking a breath before turning away for a moment to set down the hammer he'd been using a few minutes before. When he turned back, there was still something tired in his expression, but there was something serious there as well.

"I wasn't hiding. I was trying not to make things worse for ye because of something ye couldn't have stopped anyway."

She slowly nodded, taking in everything he had just said. "I know I haven't been easy to live with. That I've been damaged by this place. That I'm not the same person I was when you took an interest in me." And she felt awful for that, because she knew that things weren't easy on him and she only added to that upset.

"I can't stop what this place is doing to me, can't change what it's done. And you can't either. It's horrible, but all we can do is react to what happens and hope we keep hanging on."

He and Clara used to be happy here, too. But the things that have happened to them both have taken their toll, and things aren't what they once were. Granted, she's still in the city, but there's times where he wonders if there'll come a day where he wakes up and she's gone - or a day where she'll wake up and he'll be gone. That along with everything else makes happy harder to come by.

The fact that Jade doesn't call him out on that slip helps, though, and he gives her a small, slightly crooked smile in return.

"Aye. I think I know what ye mean. And it's not like ye can just take off and go wherever ye want, either." His smile fades for a moment. "I miss being able to do that sometimes. Not just around here, either."

"Aye, I know I can't change it, Clara. It still doesn't mean I don't hate seeing ye hurting like this."

It tore at his heart sometimes, knowing he couldn't stop what was happening to her. If there was only some way he could stop it, fix things for her somehow...but he couldn't, and he knew that as well. But there was a point there as well, and a faintly pained expression crossed his face as she spoke.

"You're right, though. I-I should tell ye the rest of it. About...what happened to me afterwards. Even if I think that- well, never mind. It's not right, my keeping it from ye."

The Doctor stared at Jamie for a long time, his arms crossed over his chest and one eyebrow going skyward. He waited for the young man to keep going, because he knew eventually Jamie would get tired of being stared at and start talking again.

When the words finally came out, Eight uncrossed his arms and tilted his head. "Perhaps you can start with why you seem determine to avoid everyone. I haven't seen you around much anymore. I know why I'm avoiding the general public, but why are you?"

Sometimes questions are a dreadful bore. Sometimes there's no real point in asking them either. What's been is gone and done; there's no point in dragging the memories out into the light if there's not any real reason to.

(And for once, he's not considering his own natural curiosity to be reason enough. It's still there, yes, but that doesn't mean he needs to give in to it.)

"Ah, no, not really," he answers instead, with a shrug. "Mostly just sort of going."

Letting his feet wander where they will, as he does. But having something a little more like a general destination in mind has never hurt before, and he rather doubts it'll do so here.

That got his mouth to tug off to one side, briefly, although something in it lingered even after most of the expression faded away. It wasn't so much an exasperated gesture, though - at least, not this time around. This time it was more resigned, as was the sigh that he made as he turned to face the Doctor more fully.

"Somehow I've the feeling that if I said it was better this way you'd not believe me. Alright, then, Doctor. Tell me this. Why is it you're avoiding the general public, then?"

Although technically he wasn't avoiding the general public so much as he was avoiding the houses, but he was too tired to argue that point. Maybe it was all the same thing in the end, anyway.

"Maybe we've the same reason for doing it."

"Come on, then. Let's go see to the horses. Ye can help."

Not that he was even sure that the Doctor was all that much of a horsey person in this incarnation, but Jamie was fairly sure that somewhere inside that Time Lord head was enough knowledge in general he could lend a hand. And if not and the Doctor decided that it'd be something he'd rather not get too deeply involved with...well, honestly, that was fine, too. It was more an excuse to do something, anyway. So he turned, heading towards the path that led to the carriage rides and the small stables just past them, shrugging briefly but not quite looking up at the Doctor's face.

"Don't know if Clara's been there to check on them for me. We...I've not had much of chance to go down there lately."

"You traveled a lot, right? With one of the Doctors?"

This seemed lighter. Safer. She moves to take a seat on the chilly sidewalk, apparently unbothered for now -- it'll take a little while for the ice cold to seep through her clothes, and part of her is fighting to remain as casual as possible, just because she sort of feels like the heart of this conversation is anything but.

"I sort of did, too. It was complicated."

"Of course."

He's not really much of a horsey person, but he knows the general idea. Enough to at least not horribly mess things up. He might not be the best either, but average is a good enough place to start in something like this. Enough so that he follows along behind Jamie without so much as a second thought.

"Ah, yes, I can see why not. Too many things, lately. And not enough people to get everything done."

And if it's making sure the world that they're standing on stays all in one piece, surely that's more important that seeing to the horses on a regular basis.

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Easier Not To Say [open]

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