[Semi-Closed]

[ofthursday]

Who: Merlinatural the Vampire Slayer and friends (Merlin cast, Supernatural cast, Buffy, and anyone who has plotted threads with them and wants to do them here instead of new log)
What: DARKNESS EVENT
When: Day 128 through 131
Where: All around Asgard
Rating: PG-13 to R for death, violence, language, and whatever else

[[ooc: This is a giant log for all the shenanigans of the casts so that we don't spam the log comm. Anyone with planned threads with anyone in this group is welcome to join in here or make their own logs for them, whatever you like!

Everyone please put in the subject line of your threads what day it's taking place, and (tentatively) the characters involved, as well as open or closed and anything else that seems relevant.]]

Comments

[smartwinchester]

I could have fought harder.

[It's murmured -- but that seems to be Sam's reasoning for anything. He could have done this better or been better or tried harder and in the end, it always seems useless. There's always going to be something to knock him backwards and Sam can never get two steps ahead of the chaos for very long.

He frowns at Castiel for a few moments, trying to figure out what he wants to say.]

I really just... I thought it was finally going to be over after I went into the Cage and it's never going to be over, is it? It's just going to be this same constant cycle of bullshit and hell and I first got brought here after losing one of the most --

[And Sam stops himself as his throat tightens involuntarily. He's silent, for a couple of seconds, the telltale stinging of tears beginning in the very corner of his eyes, but he continues quietly, his fingers pressing into his temple to try and dispel the headache settling there.]

I wonder if this is just my punishment for being Hell's bitch. That nothing will ever go right. Even in a place where Heaven and Hell can't get to us, it's just going to be more of the same crap.

[ofthursday]

[Castiel can understand this feeling; he feels it too. No matter what he does, he could have done it better, and he always ends up making things worse.

He assumes Sam is talking about him, not Bobby, and so doesn't question the comment about losing someone before he arrived. But he shakes his head at the hunter's words, hesitating briefly and then reaching his fingers out to Sam's shoulder.]

Nothing ever goes right for any of us, Sam. It is our worlds' curse, rather than yours alone.

[He doesn't want Sam to feel singled out, or like this any of this somehow his fault. It isn't; it's the way their world had been set up, and the plans and the fates set out for them. Even after breaking away from them, the odds are stacked so against them that things will simply go wrong, over and over, even in another dimension.]

All we can do is move on when something happens, and try to prevent it next time.

[smartwinchester]

[He's still, at the feeling of Castiel's hand on his shoulder, before he stares at him, almost mystified at why Castiel is even bothering. But then Sam guesses that Sam would do the same if the positions were reversed -- and Sam knows that if he asked, Castiel might not be able to form the answer to his question, so he lets it go for now to focus on what the angel is saying.

Oddly, it's the first piece of what Castiel says that strikes a chord in Sam rather than his encouragement. And his lips twitch upward into what might one day be a smile before he takes in a deep breath, his eyes still stinging.]

I don't know, Cas.

[He draws in another deep breath.]

Sometimes I think the world would've been a lot better off if you just left me in the Cage. But then I remember how Lucifer...

[Sam stops himself abruptly before he shakes his head slightly.]

I just want one... section of life to work out for the people who deserve it. Dean doesn't deserve to hate himself, Bobby doesn't deserve to die, Jo and Ellen, your wife -- and you, you've done everything for us and you get paid back by going insane because of me? Or because of Lucifer?

[He sinks further into the chair, looking lost, his eyes full of tears.]

I would go back to Hell in a heartbeat if I could just erase the past two or three years or at least just make it stop long enough for people to enjoy life before it's ripped away from them. And I thought this was an opportunity to do that, this city, but it's just more of the same, and it's pointless.

[ofthursday]

I don't think we're meant to have peace, Sam.

[He says it softly, honestly, drawing his hand away to brace himself a little bit on the edge of the bed so he can lean a little more toward Sam.]

We are meant to bring it to others.

[It's the only way he can justify what's happened to them all, and to make everything worth it. They may never have what they want, and they may never be at peace, but their struggles and their sacrifices give others the chance to. It's because of them that normal people can continue to live their lives.]

[smartwinchester]

[He's silent, at that, for an impossibly long time -- and, surprisingly, after a quiet few minutes of thought, Sam actually smiles. It's not quite right and it's more than a little lopsided, but it's a genuine smile.]

You're right.

[It's quiet -- and Sam blinks his eyes a few times, to let the tears roll down his cheeks, so they stop stinging his eyes. The smile is short-lived, though, as he watches Castiel for a long moment -- and his lips twist into a frown.]

It still doesn't make up for what I did to you.

[ofthursday]

[Castiel feels some sense of accomplishment when Sam smiles, even if he still looks terribly sad, but it fades away almost immediately when Sam actually starts crying. Castiel hates it when people cry, because seeing his friends that sad is terrible and he has absolutely no idea what to do for them, and it's even worse when he's the reason for it.]

Sam...

[He frowns as well, just a little, not sure what to say to make Sam understand.]

You didn't do anything to me.

[He finally says, and it's true as far as he's concerned. It hadn't been Sam, not really, and Sam isn't responsible for it.]

[smartwinchester]

I know I didn't.

[It's quiet as he leans forward to put his head in his hands. His headache is worse.]

It doesn't change the fact that it felt like I did. Or that I remember what it felt like.

[Even if it's only flashes -- bits and pieces of what happened -- it was still Sam's hand and Sam's knife that ended Castiel's life. Far too reminiscent of what happened at the cemetery what felt like eons ago.]

[ofthursday]

[Castiel is quiet a few moments, because he can't argue with that.]

What would you tell me were our situations reversed?

[smartwinchester]

[He's quiet at that, thinking, before he steeples his fingers to rest his chin on his thumbs, glancing up at the angel.]

I'm pretty sure I told you to stop being an idiot and come home.

[With the tiniest spark of attitude, though by the way his lips twitch upward slightly, it's obvious he doesn't really mean it.]

[ofthursday]

You did.

[The entire situation had been awful, but that one memory in the midst of it is something he holds onto rather than tries to ignore. That Sam had reached out to him, after everything that had happened, means more to him than he can ever say.

He's quiet a moment, considering his response, then looks at Sam.]

Stop being an idiot and come out of your room, then. As you are already at home.

[smartwinchester]

[Sam stares at him for a moment before he laughs, a little weakly, but it's still there. Sort of.]

Well, with that logic --

[And, as requested, Sam pushes himself out of the chair, though he places a hand briefly on Castiel's shoulder to steady himself before he sits on the bed next to the angel with a sigh.

He thinks he might have to wait it out a little bit longer.

But as he sits there, Sam contemplates something -- and he glances over at Castiel with half a grin, the liquor beginning to settle into him with a warmth that actually felt a little better than before.]

If I had the power to go back and erase everything, I wouldn't.

[He rests his shoulder against the headboard.]

We wouldn't have met you. I don't even really remember life before you were around except that it kind of sucked and we didn't have any friends. It feels like you've been around forever, which I guess you have, given the whole...

[And Sam gestures a little with his hand.]

Predestination vessel Lucifer and Michael's suit jacket thingy.

[His vocabulary is beginning to die off. Oops. But Sam seems to regain his focus to say what he actually wants to say, which is:]

Thanks.

[ofthursday]

[He watches as Sam moves to sit next to him, unbothered, and inwardly glad that he doesn't feel even the slightest bit unsettled by the proximity. He'd been worried he might be subconsciously jumpy around Sam, and that would only make things worse, but it seems it isn't an issue.

He's quiet, while Sam rambles on a little drunkenly, but by the time he's finished Castiel is just faintly smiling. In the midst of everything what Sam says makes him feel loved, and that is something incredibly special to him.]

I never had friends before you and Dean.

[He'd had his siblings, but among them he'd only been close to a few of them: Anna, Uriel, and Balthazar. Then Anna had fallen, Uriel had started to drift away as he turned, and Balthazar...

The Winchesters had been Castiel's first friends, that he'd ever had a chance to actually choose to make, and he doesn't ever regret meeting them.]

As many mistakes and tragedies as there have been, it is all still worth it for having met you.

[smartwinchester]

[He offers Castiel a slight smile before he gently puts his hand on Castiel's shoulder, to squeeze it lightly.]

We love you too.

[It's said a little too easily -- most of it to be blamed on the liquor, but it makes it no less genuine. The year that Sam and Dean had spent thinking Castiel had been dead was miserable and Sam regrets, so much, that he had been so completely trapped within his mind to not speak to Castiel in the few moments that he had been given. Here, now, it's an opportunity, and he's just thankful that his friend is around to try and make the most of it.]

Even Dean. Especially Dean.

[And Sam lets his hand drop to lean more fully against the headboard, with a slight frown.]

He's probably really pissed off.

[ofthursday]

[Castiel's expression lightens, noticeably, at Sam's words. He knows, logically, that the Winchesters love him, but hearing it is still incredibly rare and it means a great deal to him. He loves them both more than he can say, he's okay with it if they don't care so much back, so whenever he's reminded that they do it's something he treasures.]

I don't believe he likes when you close yourself in your room.

[He finally offers, in quiet agreement with Sam's last comment.]

[smartwinchester]

No, probably not.

[With a certain amount of exasperation as he glances toward Castiel.]

I'll be alright to face society and the lecturing in an hour.

[ofthursday]

Alright.

[He's quiet a few moments, uncertain.]

Should I leave you alone?

[Not with the alcohol, though. Castiel will be taking that, though sadly probably not for himself.]

[smartwinchester]

Do you want to leave me alone?

[Sam, at this juncture, is fine either way. But he'd rather have his family actually badgering him than whispering about his sanity behind closed doors.]

[ofthursday]

[Castiel pauses at that, frowning slightly, and then glances over at Sam.]

What is the correct answer?

[smartwinchester]

[He offers a lopsided smile in return.]

I'm alright by myself, but if you want to stay, I don't care.

[It's up to him, bro. :c]

[ofthursday]

I think you should sleep.

[He finally says, quietly.]

I don't know whether staying or leaving would help you more in that.

[smartwinchester]

I'm not going to sleep either way, so --

[Sam shrugs. It's a little comical, with the alcohol. His shoulders sort of bump against the headboard.]

[ofthursday]

[Castiel watches the awkward motion, and then glances at the floor to think.]

Perhaps we should play a game.

[smartwinchester]

Have you ever seen the Saw movies?

[:|]

[ofthursday]

[He tilts his head.]

No. Why?

[smartwinchester]

The bad guy always starts out his torture scenes with 'let's play a game'.