asgardmeridiem | Reunion [Closed]

Entry tags:

Reunion [Closed]

Who: Johan (

uglyinside) and Nina (

imhome)
What: Johan promised Nina they would meet in three days, and the evening of the third day has arrived.
When: Evening of Day 66
Where: Nina's Room (Room 307) in the Heimdall House
Rating: PG-13

[Since her conversation with Diva, Nina's been researching the network more and found many troubling things. She saw Diva happily talk about death, Johan's suspiciously polite comments, a conversation about The God of Peace between Lucifer and an anonymous poster, and a terrifying anonymous message. ("Munch munch. Chomp chomp. Gobble gobble.")

She let her hope overwhelm her when she arrived (and she knows she's still walking on delicate territory), but she has to be more cautious now.

In the past three days since her arrival, Nina's avoided going to her room as much as she could and instead explored the city, out of curiosity and because Johan told her that he would come to her. If possible, she didn't want him finding out where she was staying.

However, Nina noticed with disappointment and worry that it's been almost three days since she spoke with Johan, and she hasn't seen him at all. She wonders if he told her they could meet as a way to appease her and end their conversation.

Oh well... it was getting late, and she was tired from being out all day. She would get some sleep, and tomorrow morning, she would call him and try to find out what happened.

When she arrives at her room, she unlocks the door, opens it, and enters.]

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[ --No.

Suddenly, desperately, Nina forces herself to regain composure. She couldn't lose control.

She feels like she's standing on the precipice again. Did Johan plan this? Did he want to confuse her?

She thinks about what she should say. She has so many questions, but she decides against asking them.

Instead, she says six simple words. The words come out strained but sincere.]

Thank you for meeting me, Johan.

[ The collected, calm expression he had attained falls into something neutral; unreadable. His bottom lip nearly trembles for a moment, before his hand reaches up in a path towards her hair. It turns over, however, before he can steal a touch, and moves toward his shoulder, to pull at the wig he had been wearing. It slips off in a slow motion, tussling his bangs a bit as he allows it to fall into his lap.

There were questions in his mind that he kept closed out and unacknowledged. Questions about the Doctor and about the incident. About his plan, and about her understanding of it. About her forgiveness, about...

He simply stares for a moment more. The room is absolutely silent, and though their knees are practically touching, she feels distant. It's a distance he cannot handle -- one that isn't physical. ]

[ His jaw fixes slightly as his gaze falls away from her eyes -- his eyes, their eyes.

A harsh exhale leaves through his nose, as his fingers grip and bunch up strands of hair on the wig, twisting it. He only gives a nod, before a soft crack attempts to escape his throat. It's a word, perhaps. He's not sure what he wants to say. Anything he's trying to access is suddenly gone. ]

[Nina can feel the distance too. It's tangible even if it's not physical, and sometimes, Nina feels like she might have no choice but to accept it. But she doesn't. She can't.

With this reminder of her determination, Nina is still for a moment, thinking about what she should say, what she should do.

She wants to know if he really wants to change (her suspicion grows a little more every day, along with her guilt, fear, and resentment), but seeing him unable to speak concerns her. She recalls what she told Dr. Tenma in Ruhenheim. ("I want to forgive him. I really do. Tenma, you weren't wrong. Not then, and not now.") She thinks back to Nakama's words, which reflected her own thoughts and nearly overwhelmed her with emotion. If Johan truly wanted to change, he would need others.

She reaches out to gently touch his hand, placing her palm over the hand that is gripping the wig. A gesture of comfort.

The contact is tentative, hesitant. But it's there.]

[ It's the first time he's been touched by her since the night they had left the hospital. That night, he had grabbed her, pulled her, tugged her possessively and desperately tried to fight against her earlier rejection of him. Her fear of him. It was perhaps the first night their distance appeared (or maybe it was before that -- when their Mother did what she did, or when he first killed that elderly couple), and two halves shouldn't be like this. They should be together. They needed one another.

His eyes look down to her hand, and the heaviness in his chest that arrived with the contact lifts up out of him, along with most feeling. Johan's entire body stills with not only the lack of emotion, but the lack of physical sensation, as he blinks slow and hard.

He recalls being truly happy with her in the fields. In the backyard, playing with whichever animal they came upon. Running away from monsters, having death clutch and claw at their stomachs as they wandered deliriously through barren lands and freezing weather. Protecting her -- the first time he killed for her, he felt proud, like he had been a good brother. These moments of terror and fear rolling through every fiber of his muscles were intrinsically mixed so closely with what he remembers happiness to be. It was something he knew almost anybody would never want to go back to and would never wish for again. Especially not his sister. The point she wanted to return to had most likely been her time with the Lieberts and her life without him. Though they were connected, he's beginning to realize that perhaps they're not the same.

Perhaps. But maybe, he thinks with something bordering a blanket of desperation, he can change that. Perhaps he can destroy her and turn her into a monster, too. He can bring it out of her with hatred. These thoughts come with no accompanying drive to ever see them brought to reality. They are empty, as he always is and was.

The silence streams around them like a river, and he's certain he would rather drown, because there are no real words to say. Nothing real to say. His hand slowly turns over beneath hers, palms touching. He feels no control, for a moment, and wonders if she devoured it. ]

[The silence extends for what feels like an eternity, and a part of her wants to simply lose focus and drift in her thoughts.

But, no, she has to talk to him. She needs to find out the truth. She wants to understand.

Nina doesn't move from the floor. She leaves her hand where it is, their palms touching.]

Earlier... when you spoke about unequal deaths, what did you mean?

[Could it have something to do with the gods' power of resurrection?]

[ His fingers splay for a moment, allowing the formation of spaces where she could place her own, were they to hold hands. The gaps quickly close again, as he lifts his gaze to answer her. ]

Here. At this place. [ His head bows, though he keeps his eyes fixed at hers. ] At a place like this, death means nothing to the likes of you and I. We can face it over, and over, and over, and over... [ He slips his hand away from hers -] again. And yet, we will come back.

But those who were here before us will not. At a place like this.

Those who were here before us?

[Nina prompts Johan for more information. Does he mean the native inhabitants of Asgard?]

Yes. Even as their faces have been returned to them. [ He exhales, feeling almost nauseous for a second. He doesn't want to see her like this. He didn't want to speak with her like this. ]

Tell me, sister: Why do you think that is?

[Nina finds it difficult to maintain Johan's gaze, but she doesn't look away.]

I don't know. [There could be countless explanations. Perhaps the gods were powerful enough only to resurrect travelers but not native inhabitants? Maybe there was a more devious reason? Were their resurrections used to fuel the gods' power?

The important thing here, however, was what Johan thought.]

What do you believe?

[ His countenance darkens in a subtle manner at that. A slight shade of emotion, a flicker of expression, as his lips part. ]

What do I believe?

[ He feels something growing inside of him. He's not certain what it is, or if it's dangerous to his sister or himself. He placates it by compartmentalizing it to a low drumming in the back of his mind as he performs a recital more than an actual conversation. ]

I believe many things. I believe we're not truly here. You and I. I believe many things, but I want you to tell me what you believe.

[ His hands gently rise up to meet her shoulders with trepidation, and are gentle in their touch. He rests no real weight at them. ]

Do you believe me? The things I have said. Do you believe me?

[His words and his touch on her shoulders, though light, cause her to instinctively tense a little.]

I do. [She has many questions that she wants to ask, that she has to ask, but it's the truth.] I want to.

I want to make it clear. [ There is much he once wanted to ask, though now he feels the desire for real answers is absent within. He leans in just a bit closer. ]

To you. What I feel. [ He inclines his head slightly, his voice becoming even more monotonous. ] And what I don't feel.

[She nods, almost a little numbly, and waits for his response.]

[ His lips twitch softly, attempting to tug into a smile. ] I do not feel remorse. All of those people I killed... [ His vision of her eyes becomes blurred for a moment, and he feels surprised that his lashes have become slightly damp. ] I feel nothing about taking away what was precious to you. Anna. Nina. Sister.

[Nina's heart nearly stops when she hears his words and sees the ghost of his smile.

She didn't expect an apology or remorse, but hearing him admit his lack of regret hurts, almost renews the bitter ache she feels.

Her poor parents, the Lieberts, every kind adult they met... how could he?]

[She has to fight the urge to be overwhelmed with her memories, to be numb with resentment and helplessness.

Though it hurts, she knows she shouldn't be surprised by his lack of remorse. She told him she would forgive him no matter what, didn't she?

Why was he telling her this? Did he want to torment her?

Or... was he afraid somehow? Was he testing her, seeing if she would still forgive him after knowing the truth?

She closes her eyes. She can't meet his gaze.

Again Nina unknowingly mirrors him. Her eyes also damp, though she doesn't cry yet.]

I know.

[ After the words come out, he watches his sister's reaction. The smile would almost make him appear amused at first, though it was too genuinely polished and friendly for that. It wavers quickly, as his expression falls into something ambiguous, as if he's not certain of the truth to his own words.

"Please stop crying..."

His Mother's words echo as he watches her with an unfeeling expression, shoulders suddenly tremulous and fragile. Everything he felt was so shallow, so incredibly empty, except with her. ]

I took away their only chance. Their only chance at life. And do you think I deserve a second one?

[ He can't help that it almost sounds like he's taunting her. It's a genuine question, though the crack of his voice almost sounds as if he's ready to laugh. ]

[She opens her eyes again after hearing him speak. His countenance and the crack of his voice remind her of their last reunion.

He looked as if he were crying and laughing at the same time. She had never seen anyone with that expression before.

She remembers Dr. Tenma's words -- his ideals -- that were like a lifeline.

She recalls the suffering and confusion Johan felt (he must have felt it, because she did too) when they realized he loved her so much that he took away her pain and made it his own.

She reaches out to gently touch his arm. Like before, the contact is hesistant, but her next words aren't.]

Yes, I do.

[ His teeth grit together for a moment as his lips close into a loose line over them, jaw tense and expression tenser. His eyes fall to her hand, then back up to her eyes.

At that moment, Johan felt she could say it hundreds of times, and he still wouldn't have heard her correctly. It was a strange shift, to go from needing to protect her from all of the monsters in the world that had hurt her in the past, to understanding that what she needed protection from was him. He supposed that epiphany should have come with overwhelming empathy and regret, with guilt and a newfound understanding of the value of the lives he had taken. Instead, there was nothing.

Inklings of anger, a faded sound of confusion, a tug of envy (of whom? of what?), and a distant image of the past. None of the emotions were quite in reach, but all he knew was that something hurt. He smiles and almost wants to apologize for the pointless tears falling at the moment. He didn't understand them and found them to be quite empty, as he didn't feel as if he were crying, and didn't think he felt very sad at all. His expression contradicts them as he smiles tiredly at her. ]

I don't understand. [ Her. He didn't understand her. How could he not understand her? If he couldn't, he'd have to make her understand. They had to be connected.

After his words leave him, his head forcefully bows and his smile quickly leaves him. ]

[Seeing Johan's tears fills Nina with emotion. Her lingering resentment and sorrow subside for the moment, and she embraces him for the first time since they were children.

Now isn't the time for doubt or suspicion. If she ever wanted Johan to understand that she truly forgave him -- that he could change -- she would have to show unwavering confidence.]

[ He's keeps silent, closing his eyes tightly. He trembles a bit against her hold, a burst of fire seemingly ripping through his body and collecting in burning sensations behind his eyes and at the back of his throat. His hands make no move to cause the embrace to be reciprocal, and quietly, the emotions welling up of him fade. His eyes open slowly, drying up, as he notices the scent of her hair, and how her arms felt stronger than his. Small things that bring him to this moment and keep him away from what he once looked at as simpler times. ]

[ He exhales, softly, and feels himself collecting and repairing. ] Some things aren't amendable. [ He murmurs it to himself, as he knows his sister already is aware of this, and that he feels it. ]

Some things...

Everything...

[After a moment, Nina releases Johan from her hug. She reaches to take a hold of his hands instead.

People can become anything. They could become monsters, yes, but they also could become so much more.]

I know what happened can't be undone, but nothing's unforgiveable.

[ He looks down at the hem of the dress he's wearing, then at her hands. It's almost impossible to feel, but her actions call out to him. ]

For you. For you, I will try. [ He detested lying to her so much, but justified that it was for her own good, as he had before. When he was communicating with her through emails. ]

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