asgardmeridiem | Reunion [Closed]

Entry tags:

Reunion [Closed]

Who: Johan (

uglyinside) and Nina (

imhome)
What: Johan promised Nina they would meet in three days, and the evening of the third day has arrived.
When: Evening of Day 66
Where: Nina's Room (Room 307) in the Heimdall House
Rating: PG-13

[Since her conversation with Diva, Nina's been researching the network more and found many troubling things. She saw Diva happily talk about death, Johan's suspiciously polite comments, a conversation about The God of Peace between Lucifer and an anonymous poster, and a terrifying anonymous message. ("Munch munch. Chomp chomp. Gobble gobble.")

She let her hope overwhelm her when she arrived (and she knows she's still walking on delicate territory), but she has to be more cautious now.

In the past three days since her arrival, Nina's avoided going to her room as much as she could and instead explored the city, out of curiosity and because Johan told her that he would come to her. If possible, she didn't want him finding out where she was staying.

However, Nina noticed with disappointment and worry that it's been almost three days since she spoke with Johan, and she hasn't seen him at all. She wonders if he told her they could meet as a way to appease her and end their conversation.

Oh well... it was getting late, and she was tired from being out all day. She would get some sleep, and tomorrow morning, she would call him and try to find out what happened.

When she arrives at her room, she unlocks the door, opens it, and enters.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[She nods, almost a little numbly, and waits for his response.]

[ His lips twitch softly, attempting to tug into a smile. ] I do not feel remorse. All of those people I killed... [ His vision of her eyes becomes blurred for a moment, and he feels surprised that his lashes have become slightly damp. ] I feel nothing about taking away what was precious to you. Anna. Nina. Sister.

[Nina's heart nearly stops when she hears his words and sees the ghost of his smile.

She didn't expect an apology or remorse, but hearing him admit his lack of regret hurts, almost renews the bitter ache she feels.

Her poor parents, the Lieberts, every kind adult they met... how could he?]

[She has to fight the urge to be overwhelmed with her memories, to be numb with resentment and helplessness.

Though it hurts, she knows she shouldn't be surprised by his lack of remorse. She told him she would forgive him no matter what, didn't she?

Why was he telling her this? Did he want to torment her?

Or... was he afraid somehow? Was he testing her, seeing if she would still forgive him after knowing the truth?

She closes her eyes. She can't meet his gaze.

Again Nina unknowingly mirrors him. Her eyes also damp, though she doesn't cry yet.]

I know.

[ After the words come out, he watches his sister's reaction. The smile would almost make him appear amused at first, though it was too genuinely polished and friendly for that. It wavers quickly, as his expression falls into something ambiguous, as if he's not certain of the truth to his own words.

"Please stop crying..."

His Mother's words echo as he watches her with an unfeeling expression, shoulders suddenly tremulous and fragile. Everything he felt was so shallow, so incredibly empty, except with her. ]

I took away their only chance. Their only chance at life. And do you think I deserve a second one?

[ He can't help that it almost sounds like he's taunting her. It's a genuine question, though the crack of his voice almost sounds as if he's ready to laugh. ]

[She opens her eyes again after hearing him speak. His countenance and the crack of his voice remind her of their last reunion.

He looked as if he were crying and laughing at the same time. She had never seen anyone with that expression before.

She remembers Dr. Tenma's words -- his ideals -- that were like a lifeline.

She recalls the suffering and confusion Johan felt (he must have felt it, because she did too) when they realized he loved her so much that he took away her pain and made it his own.

She reaches out to gently touch his arm. Like before, the contact is hesistant, but her next words aren't.]

Yes, I do.

[ His teeth grit together for a moment as his lips close into a loose line over them, jaw tense and expression tenser. His eyes fall to her hand, then back up to her eyes.

At that moment, Johan felt she could say it hundreds of times, and he still wouldn't have heard her correctly. It was a strange shift, to go from needing to protect her from all of the monsters in the world that had hurt her in the past, to understanding that what she needed protection from was him. He supposed that epiphany should have come with overwhelming empathy and regret, with guilt and a newfound understanding of the value of the lives he had taken. Instead, there was nothing.

Inklings of anger, a faded sound of confusion, a tug of envy (of whom? of what?), and a distant image of the past. None of the emotions were quite in reach, but all he knew was that something hurt. He smiles and almost wants to apologize for the pointless tears falling at the moment. He didn't understand them and found them to be quite empty, as he didn't feel as if he were crying, and didn't think he felt very sad at all. His expression contradicts them as he smiles tiredly at her. ]

I don't understand. [ Her. He didn't understand her. How could he not understand her? If he couldn't, he'd have to make her understand. They had to be connected.

After his words leave him, his head forcefully bows and his smile quickly leaves him. ]

[Seeing Johan's tears fills Nina with emotion. Her lingering resentment and sorrow subside for the moment, and she embraces him for the first time since they were children.

Now isn't the time for doubt or suspicion. If she ever wanted Johan to understand that she truly forgave him -- that he could change -- she would have to show unwavering confidence.]

[ He's keeps silent, closing his eyes tightly. He trembles a bit against her hold, a burst of fire seemingly ripping through his body and collecting in burning sensations behind his eyes and at the back of his throat. His hands make no move to cause the embrace to be reciprocal, and quietly, the emotions welling up of him fade. His eyes open slowly, drying up, as he notices the scent of her hair, and how her arms felt stronger than his. Small things that bring him to this moment and keep him away from what he once looked at as simpler times. ]

[ He exhales, softly, and feels himself collecting and repairing. ] Some things aren't amendable. [ He murmurs it to himself, as he knows his sister already is aware of this, and that he feels it. ]

Some things...

Everything...

[After a moment, Nina releases Johan from her hug. She reaches to take a hold of his hands instead.

People can become anything. They could become monsters, yes, but they also could become so much more.]

I know what happened can't be undone, but nothing's unforgiveable.

[ He looks down at the hem of the dress he's wearing, then at her hands. It's almost impossible to feel, but her actions call out to him. ]

For you. For you, I will try. [ He detested lying to her so much, but justified that it was for her own good, as he had before. When he was communicating with her through emails. ]

[Nina releases a breath. She feels even more emotional than when he said those words ("I want to") on the network. All the sacrifices, sorrow, pain -- it felt like they were all worth it, for this moment.

Unlike their conversation over the network, when Nina was able to contain her tears, she can no longer compose herself. Tears start to stream down her face and blur her vision. Her hold on his hands tightens a little.]

Thank-- [There's a small gasp that doesn't quite come out as a sob.]

Thank you.

[ It dawns on him that it's rather hard to witness her in this state. He feels strained at it, as if he's feeling her pain, and wants to take it in for himself so she doesn't have to.

But he can't possibly feel what she's feeling right now. It comes from such a different world, and yet, the desire is still there. His hands want to cup her face, or somehow touch her hair, though they remain still beneath her grip. ]

Please don't cry.

I'm-- I'm sorry. It's just... I'm-- I'm so--

[She thinks of a word to describe what she's feeling. It's a combination of relief, exhaustion, and something else.

She thinks back to his question when they first spoke. Are you happier?]

I'm so happy.

[She doesn't know if that's exactly what she feels (it's more complex than that, and it's difficult to remember what happiness felt like with Johan), but it seems like the only apt word right now.

In the back of her mind, she reminds herself that she still has questions to ask him. But she silences the thought for a moment because all she can do is cry.]

[ He mouths the words to himself. "I'm so happy", as if he needs to feel they've come from himself, too, to register and comprehend. He understands it's the happiness that is borne from misery, rather than joy. A relief of a burden, rather than a blessing. He squeezes her hands lightly, finding his own vision blur once more (how could it not? He had to feel what she felt). ]

Do you hate me? Does any part of you ... [ He considers slipping his hands out from beneath hers to cup her chin, or to wipe at her tears.

He stays still. The impulse isn't strong enough if it's not packed with an ulterior motive. ]

-- Hate me?

[Simply a year ago, the answer would've been yes. She had been so angry, so bitter at him (at herself too) that it seemed like she couldn't focus on anything else.

Now, she has so many conflicting emotions and thoughts about Johan. She feels guilty, afraid, hopeful, optimistic, skeptical, and cautious all at once. And, when she's feeling helpless and exhausted, she remembers what he's done and can't help but resent him. A part of her doubts her forgiveness is absolute (how could it be?), but she pushes the questioning thoughts out of her mind.

But, no, she doesn't hate him. After everything they've been through (and all the memories she recalled), she doesn't think she can anymore.]

No.

[Saying that doesn't seem enough. She wants to reassure him that she has no hatred, that she believes in his ability to change.]

I love you.

[Nina didn't think anything could be more difficult than telling Johan she forgave him, but this was.

She does care about her brother. It's the truth, but it still fills her with a strong sense of guilt.]

Edited 2012-04-28 05:06 (UTC)

[ He feels there should be no surprise at such an admission -- a correction. An affirmation. For so long, he had seen everything they shared and felt as a connection, that the word hadn't even entered his mind. It wasn't something he thought he desired with her.

Although one of them certainly was the unwanted, unneeded child, he knew he wanted his sister. He knew he needed her.

Did she want him as he had wanted her? Did she need him?

The three words she has just given him make him feel as if every foundation that was keeping his body together crumble. It's a distant sound, loud and crashing and all within, though so far away.

He'd been able to act out touches with others for so long.

With her, he seemed to be at a loss. His hand finally reaches forward, turning over slightly, as he presses a knuckle against her cheek to intercept the trail of a tear. It's a light graze, and he feels as if he's watching himself do it rather than experiencing it. ]

[She looks up at that, almost a little surprised.]

Johan?

I never told you. [ His hand drops, only to push a few strands of her hair back over her shoulder. ] What I do feel.

[She looks at him in expectation. Her face is still wet with tears, but she's stopped crying and has started regaining her composure.]

The lives I've taken. [ His fingers brush through her hair before he retracts his hand, trailing it down to where she was wounded when escaping the Red Rose Mansion -- where he thought his would had been. ] Those many lives. [ His fingers caress, gently, before his hand clasps over the area. ] I do not feel for the lives I've taken. I cannot feel. [ He's not sure when he stopped. ]

But your life. I want you to live. [ His gaze falls from her eyes, to her arm. ] Without experiencing what I've done again. Let it all be a dream. You can wake up.

[Nina's a little perplexed at his words.

A dream? She can wake up?

She remembers their last meeting, when they both realized that his memories at the Rose Red Mansion were not his own. It felt like she had awakened from a devastating dream then.

Her gaze falls to his hand on her arm.]

What do you mean?

The monster won't hurt you anymore. [ He says it quietly. ]

[The finality of what he said worries her. She looks at him again, trying to meet his gaze.]

What are you planning?

[Was she being paranoid? Did he simply mean that he wants to change?]

no subject

no subject

1/2

2/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject